Not all treasure is silver and gold - Chapter 35

Ahoy me good crew!!

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Love, Captain karinvam

Previous Chapters:
Chapter 1 - Pirates!
Chapter 2 - Its all true
Chapter 3 - Yes Captain
Chapter 4 - Never trust a pirate
Chapter 5 - Waking up in hell
Chapter 6 - Not that innocent
Chapter 7 - Right Decision, Wrong Choice
Chapter 8 - Damn him!
Chapter 9 - Missed a spot
Chapter 10 - C'est une belle histoire
Chapter 11 -Kisses and Dramaqueens
Chapter 12 - Damaged
Chapter 13 - Liar
Chapter 14 - Saved to kill you
Chapter 15 - When I need you most
Chapter 16 - No black no white
Chapter 17 - All Better
Chapter 18 - Last night was a lie
Chapter 19 - Todat would be hell
Chapter 20 - It was you
Chapter 21 -You were me
Chapter 22 - Just like me
Chapter 23 - God no...Please no...
Chapter 24 - Together
Chapter 25 - Free
Chapter 26 - Take me home
Chapter 27 - Dream
Chapter 28 - Bedrest
Chapter 29 - Another Option
Chapter 30 - Its in the rain
Chapter 31 - Thank You
Chapter 32 - Won't you miss me?
Chapter 33 - It just happened
Chapter 34 - Like a fairytale

Chapter 35 – Show me

I watched him. Watched him cry as I sat on my spot on the floor. Looking trough wide eyes as I now cursed my blurry mind for not being able to focus properly.

At last truly regretting my choice of drinking.

My cheek still burning furiously, as the fire spread out to the rest of my face and neck from the blow, and I kept my flat hand pressed against the tingling skin. Trying to ease, and to cool it. Knowing it would leave a mark in the morning.

But that did not matter anymore. I didn’t even care.

It was already forgotten.

I could only feel my expended heart ache when the fat teardrops grazed his soft cheeks so tenderly. Streaming down as they neatly followed each other in line to fall off his chin, or the tip of his delicate nose, and to drip onto the floor soundlessly.

Exploding on the wood in between his fingers, placed there to keep his body upright. Arms stretched and shoulders slumped.

On his knees he was, as his hair hung forward like a midnight waterfall to shield part of his flustered face, yet I could still clearly see those dripping green eyes glistering heavily in the candlelight.

Those hands spread on the wooden floor like they were the only thing keeping him balanced, as his jaw was clenched together tightly while tears spilled over his beautiful face.

Making me see how hard he was trying to fight this. How desperate he was to pull himself together. How determent not to show me any more.

But his attempt was a miserably failing one.

Miserably, miserably, and I felt my own bottom lip tremble at the sight.

It wasn't right. It wasn't how it should be, because....because…

He couldn't….couldn’t cry. He never did cry.

No, he never cried.

Especially not about me. A cabin boy. His hostage, like I was.

Like he had said I was.

And he was a pirate Captain with far too much power and far too much pride.

It was what I knew. That was safe, and that was where I knew my place.

And even thought we played and played to shift those blacks and whites, I always knew he was above. Where he belonged.

But now I was the reason he was below, on his knees, on the floor, with me. Again I did not need to look up. He was down here with me. And that was wrong.

It was killing me slowly from the inside out to see him in so much pain. Even if it had been caused by hurting me. Even it had been because he lost that dangerous temper.

It was his temper, and I loved it. He had showed me long ago I enjoy playing with the fire. No matter how scorching hot he was burning, it would not be enough to make me run.

But his fire was washed out by those cursed tears that now made us feel the burns underneath. And every fresh tear stung my heart as I watched my fallen angel on the floor before me.

Silence, complete silence, aside from his heavy breathing to calm himself. Strangled sobs he tried to keep quiet. Shoulders shaking, and fingers contracting against wood.

Only followed by the sudden drops of rain that had then started to graze the outside of the ship unexpectedly but gently as the weather was changing in to dark grey, sad and wet.

Making me look up to the sky for a moment, until realized all I would ever be able to see was the roof.

My heart beating in my ears, as I listen to the gentle rain against dry wood, and salty tears against silk skin.

For some reason it was beautiful. Just right.

As if the sky itself, the world, heaven and God, all cried together with their golden child. Weeping for his pain and his tears, just like I felt like doing as I watched him shrinking on the wooden floor.

Watched him, as he lifted his right hand to his chest, and started to claw at the fabric of his shirt. At the exposed skin of his torso. Sobbing, holding back his cries. As if trying to break the fabric. Break the skin. To reach the pain beneath it, and to be able to take it away.

His left hand still on the wooden surface to support his quivering body.

"Captain."

I whispered almost inaudibly, as I suddenly felt a screaming urge washing over me. The urge to simply reach out for him. Touch him. Take his pain and hold him in my arms.

To no longer be afraid to make the moves I so desperately wanted to.

I shouldn't. I should be frightened by him. I should be backing away, and hate him for touching me in such a violent manner. For abusing me like no one ever had.

But I could not even hate myself for not being able to do this. I couldn't even hate myself for not backing away. I still loved him. I still wanted him.

I knew his mind, if only a little. And I knew this was all he had ever known.

But for the first time...he seemed to have scared himself more than me.

And God…..I couldn’t hate him for hurting. Not when it was hurting him like it was. Not when he was exposing himself in a matter I had never been allowed to see before.

He looked at me from in between the dark curtains framing and shielding his face and eyes.

Tearing green orbs looking for mine as he acknowledge my call for him with a pleading, yes, begging look drowning in the water drops sliding and streaming down.

Leaving a black trail that marked and stained his eyes and cheeks as the salty water mingled with the pitch black kohl always rimming his eyes.

And he was still the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

He broke my heart, then and there, and I could feel the pain hurting me almost psychically as it became almost unbearable for me to watch. Knowing I was ready to surrender willingly to the need to comfort him. To be with him. Without the shame.

Despite what he had done to me. Despite of what was right and wrong.

 I lifted my body with my heels onto my knees, and almost closed the space in between out bodies by doing so.

Seeing his eyes flicker when he noticed me approaching him, as if desperate to get away from me. Flinching and tensing when my hands reached out for him.

Whimpering helplessly while I slid my arms gently around his neck. Pulling him to me as I encircled him with my arms, and pressed him tenderly against me. Resting my burning cheek against his soft and cool hair as I closed my eyes to feel him.

His body slowly relaxing under my touch as his face buried itself in my neck. My hands holding his trembling shoulders.

Hot tears streaming down my skin; my neck, my collarbone, and slipping underneath my shirt over my chest as I shivered at the feel of the hot water caused by his pain.

Finally his hands came up to hold my body in return, tenderly at the waist. As if afraid I would back away would he touch me anything other than feather light.

But I melted against his form with a firmer touch now, if only to show him it was okay to touch me. That I would not run. That I wanted him with me. And so I squeezed his body to mine, as his silk hair grazed the skin of my collarbone softly.

I felt his spine shivering against my hand, as I realized how fragile and thin he was in my embrace. I knew there was nothing I would not do now to see him tall again.

“It’s okay.”

I shushed him as my body started rocking back and forth slowly with him in my arms. As if trying to sooth him like a baby as I stroked his back in lazy circles.

But he shook his head violently against my neck as his fingers clenched and dug into my side. Holding on to me stronger now as if letting go would make me disappear.

“It’s not. It’s not. I wouldn’t become like this. I promised.”

He whispered quietly and rapidly against me as I felt his heart beating wildly against my chest. His knees trapped in between mine as I slowly felt his tears coming to a halt.

“Promised who?”

I asked him, as one of my hands ran trough his dark strands in affection.

“Me.”

He answered, and I simply nodded my head in responds.

Pulling back a little, but feeling him struggle to keep me in place. Afraid I was going to leave him here as he nails dug slightly into my skin.

But I squeezed him tighter in reassurance before sliding back to graze my cheeks with his. Placing a soft kiss on the soaked skin and tasting his salty tears before withdrawing from him to see his eyes.

Red, and puffy from crying. Smeared with black streaks running down from them as there was still some remaining tears threatening to spill any moment.

"Why are you crying?"

I asked him carefully, as I his hand grazed  the skin of my swollen temple feather light. Keeping my voice down as I wanted do badly to know what he was hiding on the inside.

He took a deep breath before he answered me.

"I don't want to feel this way Bam. But I don’t want to hurt you. I can't help it sometimes, but I don't want to."

He spoke in a broken voice as I closed my eyes at his touch, that lingered for a small but blissful moment.

“It’s not your fault.”

I whispered to ease the pain in those burning eyes. Knowing and understanding....the things he did and said, came from his reality.

This had always been his world. He had been hurt in his life. Beaten, mocked and thrown away. And all he did not was live what he had learned. Even if he did not want to do it.

All he wanted was to be a pirate.

Not knowing how else to solve the problem.

I could not hate him for that. I could only trust him see these things. And how they affected him, even more then me.

He was a pirate, but he was not cruel. Never had he been cruel in a way that made me fear being in his presence. Even if he sometimes tried to be.

He was not like this, and we both knew. But he was not done figuring out what that meant.

And all I wanted to do was help him figure it out. Like he had helped me discovering myself.

“You don’t understand….”

He started, again shaking his head. But I was not giving going to let him pull me in to his impossible guilt trip.

“Then make me.”

**
Part 2