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Not all treasure is silver and gold - Chapter 23
current mood: flirty
current song: When it Rains - Paramore
Title: Not all treasure is silver and gold The colours for my Flag Chapter 15 - When I need you most
Author: ![[info]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
karinvam
Pairing: Argg maties… This is Vam!
Rating: NC-17. Romance, humor, fluff and llittle angst
Disclaimer: This could have happened if Bam and Ville lived around 1700 and Ville had been a pirate and….*sigh* Alright, this never happened…I don’t own shit. *sobs*
Summary: (Not a Pirate of the
Warning: This story contains a sexual relationship between a 15 year old boy and a 27 year old man. Sex, bad language and violence….This story has it. You don’t like that stuff? Than please do not read.
A/N: Chapter 23!!! An early update cause and I felt inpsired, and I want to make up for the times a made you guys wait since this was an evil cliffhanger! BUT, hihi, I am not sure I am making anything up with this chapter!! Please do forgive me if you hate me after this! Please!!! I still get more reviews than I ever hoped getting, and meet new people every time and that makes this all so very important to me! Thank you guys from the bottom of my heart once again and I owe you all for the amazing support I really need so bad! This week for the crew....Lame maybe but heey I like it....Eye colour! Pick your colour and find a pic, Or I will do it for you!
Now chop chop, You on and read and let me know what you think of it and me afterweards hihi! Love you all pirate kitties!
More pages are updated now! If I forgot yours please let me know and I will fix it! Sorry, I kinda bit of more than I can chew here! *wink* Thanks all so much for all the creativity kitties!! You guys keep amazing me!!
Some of you guys even wrote a bio and posted a picture of themselves! I Actually used a picture myself to set an example! I suggest we all do the same! Pic is of course optional and so is the rest but come on...don't you wanne have the coolest pirate page? Of course you do! ARGGG!
You can still update whatever you like! Just tell me and I'll update your page. My email is
KarinvanKralingen@hotmail.com
Ok, the pages can be found here:The Crew of the Black Heart
And since I had no time to check if every link worked, here are all the pages: LJ
This week Theme songs!! Updated your page! (No? let me know!) You have your own chosen theme song!
For the NEXT UPDATE! Hihihi Eye colour!!! Aint that fun! I am sooo out of ideas!! You cna pick your pirate eye colour! Think Green, brown...Purple, black or simply orange! Even cat eyes and lizard eyes are allowed cause heey we are cursed pirates! If you feel creative than you cn search a picture to show what your eyes look like!! You dont wanne? Cool...but than i will!!!! Mhuwahaha! Next time I will try to do better!! keep thinking with me my beauties!
BUT: That doesn't mean I dont need more ideas!! Think me beaties! THINK! Suprise with your lovely ideas!!
Update your page NOW!
OH And suggestions for future pirate page updates are very welcome!!!
-Captain karinvam and First matevillespunkchick
Not on the list? That means you are not a member of the Black Heart. Why the hell not?? Are you insane?? Sigh up now!!
Chapter 1 - Pirates!
Chapter 2 - Its all true
Chapter 3 - Yes Captain
Chapter 4 - Never trust a pirate
Chapter 5 - Waking up in hell
Chapter 6 - Not that innocent
Chapter 7 - Right Decision, Wrong Choice
Chapter 8 - Damn him!
Chapter 9 - Missed a spot
Chapter 10 - C'est une belle histoire
Chapter 11 -Kisses and Dramaqueens
Chapter 12 - Damaged
Chapter 13 - Liar
Chapter 16 - No black no white
Chapter 17 - All Better
Chapter 18 - Last night was a lie
Chapter 19 - Todat would be hell
Chapter 20 - It was you
Chapter 21 -You were me
Chapter 22 - Just like me
Chapter 23 - God no....Please no.....
But he didn't need the light to see where he was heading. This was his home, and he knew his way blindly. Where he was taking me. And why.
He ignored the dining room, his crew and the darkness as he held me in his arms. Carrying me like a child. Like a lover.
Pressing my body close to his as he walked with large, impressive steps. Off the stairs, through the hallway. Not one moment wavering because of the weight in his arms that was me. Effortless, and strong. Determined, and excited.
I knew because his body was shivering as he held me. Ever so slightly, but still vibrating against my skin feverishly.
His body, his breath, his embrace…the warmth leaked right through my skin into my heart as I felt like I now carried the same orange aura around me as it expanded and curled from his body around mine.
He was taking me to his room. His beautiful room with the bed of a royal, his silk sheets, pillows, and scent into it.
He was going to undress me. To bare me to his beautiful eyes again and explore me in ways that I couldn't even begin to imagine without quivering.
Together, he had said, which we had never done before. It was scary, yes. I was frightened for the result of his plan, or the outcome. But knowing it wasn’t me to him, or him to me, made me feel safe.
It would not be about control, or controlling in that sense. It could be about us. For the first time, there was an us.
And no matter where I would end up tonight, I would end up with him.
Now I had seen me in his eyes, I understood him. I understood I was not suffering alone, and that we both wanted to fight this, but could not.
Yet both in pain, because it would be over soon.
Before it was over, we wanted to explore what it was going inside us.
I wanted to explore it.
Without feeling wrong, because right now I was too far gone into him to feel it.
To regret, or to be ashamed.
I was pulled in, and I was tired of pulling back. Because now I knew it wasn't just me. We were in this together. I was doing some of the pulling, and that changed everything.
And to unfold it, we were now passing the stairs and heading for his room.
My body in his strong arms, his mouth pressed against my temple, and my arms around his slender neck.
Feeling an adult. Not much older than fifteen, but mature enough to take my own decisions. To choose my own beliefs.
Because God did exist. I had truly experienced him for the first time on a pirate ship. In the beauty of another man. In the warmth of a kiss. In the knowledge I was wanted.
I closed my eyes as he kissed my temple soundlessly, softy and sweetly. I was willing to give myself to him tonight. No matter what his idea of spending it together was. Even if it was wrong, I didn't have the strength, nor the willpower to run away from this.
I couldn’t put my finger on what had made me drop the battle inside so completely that it almost felt like I was drunk, but I knew it had something to do with the bearing of our souls, his honesty and the perfection of such a vulnerable, fairy tale moment I could have only dreamed of.
I felt safe, I felt warm, and I felt loved. So unlike this morning, I knew he wanted me.
The pain reversed, and so my every priority put in another light. Because it simply felt too magnificent to feel this warm again.
To feel alive.
Him.
Him who I felt tense when footsteps made their way from the top of the stairs. Made him stop. Made him let go.
How I crashed when all of it had been a lie.
**
He stopped like he'd been stung.
Dead-track, with the arms holding up my body suddenly loosening.
Loosening around me and lowering until my feet gently touched the floor. Forcing me to let him go.
A push in my back setting me up straight onto my own feet.
There was someone climbing down the stairs.
Someone was coming, and he would have seen us. Wrapped up in each other like lovers.
So he had dropped me. Ragging breath, fast beating heart. He had put me on my feet and distanced himself from me.
Letting me go, so no one else could see.
We had been about to…..
I don’t know what we had been about to….but it was…. special. It was something we had never done before.
It was the moment I had been about to go in without thinking of the flames. Of the damage it would do. Because he had taken that away from me on the deck. I had been on clouds, and nothing had mattered anymore except for how I felt, how he made me feel and how good it was to be with him.
To be touched, and held, kissed…..and desired.
The fear of the afterlife seemed so pointless on this ship, in his arms, where nothing was about religion or death. It was about life….right now as it was.
He made me feel more free trapped, than at my own house.
I had changed. Not knowing what I was or what would be the outcome, but not afraid to discover.
Away from my herd, but beside my shepherd.
**
My heart broke when my feet touched the floor. I stood on my own again, away from his touch…
And away from what could have been.
I was not naïve enough anymore to not understand what was going on.
I tried to read his face, but his eyes instantly darted to his left as his body turned from me. Not wanting to look into my eyes and see...
He was ashamed of me. Of what we had, and what this was.
They could not see.
They could not know.
Never.
His hands became fists as he did, and so making himself ready for his leadership. For his act. To pretend to be stronger, and crueller than he was.
"Captain!"
He wanted me, but he did not want to be with me. He had told me before, but I understood what it meant now.
I turned to see who called for him. Greeted by the larger pirate called Gas as he appeared from below.
Walking towards us as his round, boyish face looked excited, as well as what seemed shocked. As if he was amused by something he was not supposed to.
I was standing next to him. So close it hurt.
So close… it was unbearable.
I knew it could be read from my face. I knew my body gave away the devastation of my bleeding heart.
Of the discovery that all I had been about to give…meant nothing to him.
I….Meant nothing to him.
Or at least not enough. Not enough to be real.
Not what it meant to me.
I felt my stomach rip in half when he smiled at his friend. It was a fake smile, and his eyes stayed dead….but he could do it. He could pull it off.
To him, everything was fine.
Everything but the knowledge that I was not willing anymore. That alone…that was what bothered him.
That alone.
"Gas, me lad."
He greeted his friend joyfully. His voice wavering slightly, but it went unnoticed by the bald man.
That waver was all I had as my eyes seemed to sunk deeper into my skull. Something so heavy….so heavy….seemed to push down on me. Pushing on me until it would turn me inside out.
"Aye, you will never believe what Dani just found out."
Gas was almost bouncing with excitement as he spoke. Speaking about my friend who seemed to have shared a secret.
A secret Gas was dying to tell.
A secret…
I was not at the least curious. I could simply not care less.
It did not matter, none of this.
Only that I was going home soon.
Knowing I could soon forget. Trying to stop seeing him whenever I closed my eyes.
He did not seem to care either.
He simply smiled politely with lips still red and swollen from my kisses as he answered; "We will discuss it over breakfast tomorrow."
Gas seemed a little taken aback, not expecting this answer from his Captain, but did not ask any further as he nodded. "Aye Captain. Will you and the boy be turning in?"
Boy…..
I was only a cabin boy after all.
"Aye Gas. We better."
"Night than Cap’n"
"Night, Gas."
As soon as he came, he was gone again.
Everything would be different.
What hurt most was that he did not seem to know, or understand. Because once more he turned to me without hesitation.
That just like his crew, he could fool me with his mask. Even if he had bared his true features earlier.
Such sweet words. Such beautiful things he could say. His touch when he rubbed my back gently, or when he let me see right into his soul.
No games? It was all games. Even if he did not realize it.
I felt sick to my stomach over my own behaviour, and the moment he turned to look at me, so did I.
Avoiding his eyes. Not able to take what I might see in them. Or what it would do to me.
Maybe I had to sleep in the same bed, and maybe he would even use my body for his own pleasure. But he would not get me under his charm again. He would not have my willingness, or my attention.
He would not have me falling again, because I was already at the bottom. It would be the death of me.
He could do whatever he pleased. But it would be him doing it, not me. It would not be us. Not together.
My pain caused me to take a deep breath, as I suddenly started to take the path we had been about to take together on my own.
To his room.
I would sleep there, that was no choice. But I would not walk this path with him.
Not together.
**
"Bam…"
"No…"
"Bammie…"
He called my name after me, even though I refused to listen. His footsteps following close behind as I walked away with quick, big steps towards the door.
What did he want me to do now? What did he want me to say?
What had he expected after what he had done?
I was done being polite. Done being his slave below the deck.
"No, I get it. Never trust a pirate, isn’t that right?"
I now yelled at him as I finally turned to let him see the blazing fury in my eyes. Having my path crossed and standing in the doorway as I threw open the door with a bang. The door to his room, where we had been about to share something beautiful.
Looking up and into his green ones that were filled with a mixture of offence…and hurt.
Suddenly raising his arms and shoving me back into the room as he was visibly shocked by the loud noises of the door and my voice filling the hallway.
Almost making me fall backwards as I took a few steps back to find my balance. Yelping on my way in. Tears sprinkling my eyes again.
Now from the sickening fury filling me, instead of the heartbreaking beauty.
"Stop it, Bam."
He commended me with a low, quiet voice as his jaw clenched. Closing the door hastily behind himself as he kept his eyes on me.
"What, are you afraid they might hear?"
I dared him with an attitude I had never experienced within myself. He brought so many things out of me that had never seen the light of day.
He had showed me myself, in all my honesty, beauty and darkness.
The desperation mixed with my hurt of his betrayal made me find the courage to stay on my feet and face him, no matter how much it ached inside.
His eyes widened for a second, before narrowing as his muscles tensed. Rolling underneath his sweet skin as he suddenly turned from me and started to pace through the room.
"What did you expect Bam? What did you think was gonna happen? You think this was going to make a difference? I was going to be your knight in shining armour? That I'd be your boyfriend, and that we'd get hitched?"
At his last words, he stopped moving, and turned his head to play me the ball. Using a word I didn't understand, but nonetheless making me furious at how he spat them at me with sarcasm. His eyes now just as dangerously on fire as mine.
"You said something had changed. Something had happened."
I reminded him of his earlier words, seeing his face paling for a second before flushing.
"Just because I am fond of you doesn’t mean it makes a difference Bam."
He was now stepping forward so our noses almost touched. Both of us raising upper lips as we argued. Both of us with folded arms and blazing eyes. His heated breath stroking my cheeks with every pant.
"Why are you so afraid?"
I dared asking them. Anger as much as desperation leaking from the words.
"I am NOT afraid."
I had stepped back as he had yelled in his frustration. Panic in his loss of control.
Also taking as step away from me as he seemed to have scared himself.
A silence fell as thick as a blanket, as I was out of words,… out of questions I could formulate.
It was he who I wanted to break through it and explain.
Explain why in the name of God….
Why in the name of God I was so broken over something so incredibly….
Something so small it could have passed me. Something I should not have tried to find in the first place.
He had put me on my feet.
Why was I so naïve that I had expected something else.
This was how it was, and he'd always been honest with me. Never had he given me the illusion it would be more, yet tonight…
His crumbs had given me hope for something seemingly unreachable.
And I wanted it.
Sick enough, I wanted it.
It was my problem, not his, but still it made me feel like all my insides were tearing open and bleeding over my soul.
Making my body shake and my eyes water.
Making my heart break when he looked at me from his two steps away. From his spot on the floor with one hand raised to trace his kissable, soft, plump lips.
His dark, silk hair curling around his beautiful pale cheeks with skin as soft as satin.
His green eyes sparkling like emeralds framed by a night black frame of kohl.
His clothing hanging loosely around his slim, lean but strong body. Dark as the kohl, draped on him like it loved him. Like it wanted to cling to every right place, but letting him go enough to breath and be free.
Everything adored him. And so did I.
I watched him in silence as I burned. So warm, but so painful.
And gasped when he came over to me. Walked those two steps while suddenly sinking down on his knees in front of me as he took both of my shoulders. Forcing me to look at his perfect beauty that stung like a thorn.
Making it worse with every word he whispered.
"I told you Bam, this is it. You're going home. I do care and feel for you, and that alone is something entirely new for me. It saddens me to see you go. But that’s it. It cann't be anything else. It’s not good for you."
I was so weak….So.. yes...Goddamn weak.
Every emotion possible for a human being to feel had rushed through me within the hour, simply because of him.
I was so tried. Exhausted.
I wanted to be with him, and I wanted to fight. I wanted to hate him, and to hold him to never let go.
I had wanted to not give into his ways any longer. Now, only minutes later, it was already happening.
I wanted it. So badly, I wanted it.
Yet I feared it was only going to make it worse.
I looked at him on his knees before me, and I knew I would never be cured.
I would never be able to pull away. Never be able to let him go. I wanted to, but I could not.
I…..I….
"Why are you ashamed of me?"
I asked him to stop my frightening train of thought.
He shook his head before he spoke. The beautiful deepness of his extraordinary voice still lowered as if it would break me would he raise it. His strong hands still on my upper arms.
"I'm not Bam. This what I tell every member of my crew. This is my word, and I don’t break it. Never. I'm a Captain."
"What word?"
I questioned. Dearing him to say what I wanted to hear. Waiting him to speak the words that would prove my point.
That maybe…..maybe his shame would not be what it had seemed.
"That I will always be alone. That no one will ever be with me. Not in my heart."
His words hurt him as he lowered his chin and looked up under heavy, dangerous eyelids.
But not as much as my question did.
Maybe his weakness was his strength after all.
Maybe this had not been what I had made it out to be.
Whether it made this better or worse, I could not see.
If I was like the others….If they all knew…..If everything was like it had always been…..
"Then….. why are you ashamed of me?"
**
….
I felt his hands letting me go as I took a small step back.
The weight off my body as his eyes widened in soul tearing emotion.
His lips parting. His dark hair falling into his diamond eyes as he balanced from his knees to fall back on his behind. His hands supporting him and placed behind him as his legs bend and sprawled across the floor in front of him.
Crawling away from me backwards with widened eyes, as he ripped me open with his reaction.
I realized something that changed everything.
Seeing him here, knowing what I knew, made something inside me realer than ever before.
It made everything so much clearer and yet so much harder, as I finally truly understood what this was.
And it was not about him. It was about me.
It would make it harder now, and it the end. It would mark me for life. Scar me forever.
Making me know that no matter what he did to me, no matter what he pulled, or pushed, no matter how he would break me….
…always would I walk with him.
Because I had realized something that had been screaming for my attention since last night.
"Would you stop."
He shook me from my earthshaking discovery as he pleaded. Waking me as if I had been truly gone for the seconds this had happened in. Feeling sick and light on my feet all together.
"Stop making me feel this way. This is not how it is supposed to be."
He begged me in angre...pain, and I all I could do was stare at him blankly. Feeling dizzy, feeling overwhelmed.
This could not be happening.
"I know."
He looked so shaken. So out of his element on the floor. Yet my desperation for answers other than what I knew were coming off me in waves. No matter what he was battling with…I knew my battle was worse.
And he knew it also, as it made him open his arms for me once more.
Welcoming me home as I sunk down on my knees.
Crawling to him over the floor like a child. Finding his embrace with shaking arms that wrapped around him in need of his protection.
My head resting against his chest as his hands caressed my back and hair gently. His heart ragging, but the rest of him calm.
"Are you ashamed of me?"
I asked him for the third time as his breathing got caught in his throat for a moment. Wanting an answer as I spoke against the silk skin of his chest. A rosary hanging next to my cheek.
I needed to know. I just needed to know it.
"No."
His answer was a whisper in my hair, and I felt his warm breath playing with the exposed skin of my neck.
"Am I different than the others?"
I needed to know. I just…..
"Yes."
Stranded with his body on the floor, my burning eyes found his again. Needing to see what was in them when he said it.
Needing to see how much I meant to him when he did.
But before I could, my lips already found his. Having my mouth pressed to him with gentle, demanding force.
Making my tongue slide so gently over his I surrendered myself with an unwanted moan.
Would I die I would burn in hell. But I didn't care anymore.
After seeing what I had seen. Knowing what I knew. Feeling how I felt.
Wanting what I wanted so badly.
And my discovery….my horrible secret……
I deserved to die. I deserved to burn.
I deserved to go to hell.
Oui Oui...This was not swete of me! Promising sex and not giving it, but there is still hope for the next chap!! This chapter is very crucial for them since Bam has discovered something that is very important!! I really wnat to know what you think now cause this chap was so mean and maybe very annoying! I get carried away sometimes, I will admit! I still hope you enjoyed it sweetnessess!!
What would you like to happen/ What do you think Bammie realized? What are you having for diner tonight??
Dont forget to pick an eye colour and picture me sweet crew of sexy pirates!! Underwear and kisses for you all!! ARGG!!
Aww, I like!