Not all treasure is silver and gold - chapter 22

Chapter 15 - When I need you most
Chapter 16 - No black no white
Chapter 17 - All Better
Chapter 18 - Last night was a lie
Chapter 19 - Todat would be hell
Chapter 20 - It was you
Chapter 21 -You were me

Chapter 22 – Just like me

He never turned to look at me.

His voice was strange, as he spoke almost dreamily with a soft, low tone that lingered in the air like a scent.

His glistening eyes, as green as early spring, now reflecting the orange, purple glow caused by the dying sun. Its flames being washed out by the dark, quiet sea.

It made me wonder if he truly realized I was here with him, and that this was real. That he was really asking me this question.

His eyes, his spirit, his mind, they seemed so far away. So locked inside himself. As if lost in a dream.

He seemed on fire, the orange aura of sunlight not seeming to let go of his perfect form, as it hugged every line of his body warmly.

I wanted to touch him, and I didn't know if this urge could be fought by me, If I could find the strength, and the will to stand up for my beliefs, and my ideas of right and wrong.

Because right here, right now, there seemed nothing wrong about this. Or him.

Because he looked so pure, and so vulnerable like a small bird, where no evil seemed hidden underneath the beautiful surface.

I knew it was a lie. But what I couldn't see, seemed so hard to imagine.

My answer hung in between. Between me, standing only a few steps away from the chest he was rested upon, and him, barefoot on that very object.

The words against the orange sky as I wondered if they had ever reached him.

I heard his breath speeding up as he suddenly sat up straight and unfolded his legs from underneath him to place his bare feet on the wooden deck.

He did not move as gracefully as he always seemed to do, but almost nervously, as if the words had finally found their way home. As if he could finally see the vulnerable position he was in.

As if he finally realized I was standing here, waiting for him. Needed him to talk to me, to look at me. To touch me.

To confirm I wasn’t alone in this labyrinth, and that he was as lost as I was.

His body turned sideways, as he shifted his leg over the end of the chest so he was now no longer facing the back, but the side of the ship.

Allowing me to see his enchanting profile against the burning sky. Allowing me to have my body and soul weakening at the sight of his aching beauty.

I wanted him so much, and it made me want to scream in my desperation.

Right here, in this moment, I could not hate him. Not for controlling me, or abusing me, or hurting me. Because he wasn't. He was simply sitting there, alone, struggling with his own mind. Just like me.

He didn’t seem powerful. Nor cruel. Nor dangerous. Something that thrilled me in a sickening way, but allowed me to push away from him.

Now he didn't push me, and now all I wanted was to go to him. To fix what was broken inside.

And this feeling of tenderness, of concern, made it all the harder. Because now I didn't have him to blame for it. It was me who truly felt this way.

I cared for him. I could no longer deny it. It wasn’t just the hot, cold, repulsive attraction any longer. It went deeper, and so did he.

I sought him out when he wasn’t there. I dreamed of him when I closed my eyes. I didn’t know what it meant, but I knew it was wrong. I knew I should be ashamed.

And I was, but it didn’t change the way things were. The way I felt about him, and how he felt about me.

Last night, I was his lover. This morning, I had been his cabin boy.

Below the deck, I was his slave. Here, now, we were equals.

**

That feeling was the best, and the worst in the entire world. I had no one to blame but me for wanting to be close to him. For wanting to take his pain away. For wanting to have the answers to his questions.

The feeling was repulsive, yet it filled my insides with a warm, golden glow.

It was a moment where I thought the tangle of turmoil and confusion would be the death of me. This seemed too overwhelming for any human being. I had never been so clueless of what to do, or how to feel.

Of what I wanted.

His skin glowed in the light, making it look as warm and soft as I knew it would feel underneath my fingertips. His eyelashes standing out against the clear sky, as they curled femininely, long, and dark. Crowning his blazing eyes.

Eyes that reflected only the burning sky and making him look like the angelic demon he was in my eyes.

"This doesn’t happen to me."

His raw, flowing voice spoke to what seemed to be the sea. His teeth now clenching.

Still I had no idea whether to stay on the spot, or move closer to him. To touch him, and

make him see me.

Maybe to run away and pretend this had never happened.

But I couldn't run from him. I realized this longer ago than here today. Drawn I was also, yet not as much as he himself, to the sentence he had spoken.

He had asked me what was happening. I had answered him in all honesty. Not even knowing if we were stuck on the same subject. My mind seemed hooked on one single thing.

The desperation in his voice when he had asked, the innocence coming off him in waves I had never felt around him before, had made it know it was caused by a similar struggle. Therefore I had known he had been talking about me.

About us.

Now that desperations seemed transformed in something that seemed more…..indignant.

Something that made me much more insecure about my position than I had before. It had taken some of his vulnerability.

This did not happen to him? What was it that did not happen? Or was it happening already?

Why did he almost never make any sense?

Was I so thick, and ignorant? Or was I not alone in this?

And did he even know what he was talking about? Because he seemed, still, so far away that I felt I would have to swim an ocean to reach him.

He seemed to be waiting for a response. From whom I didn't know. Whether it was from me, or from himself.

My question was answered when he continued, using the same tone of voice.

"I have my crew, my ship, and the respect to go with it. They need me. I'm important.

Everything I ever desired I have, and nothing of it has changed."

He seemed relatively calm as he explained something I still didn't understand. Yet the following sentence seemed to loosen more doubt inside his perfect head.

"I'm not like this. This isn't who I am anymore. I changed it more than 10 years ago. Forever. It's gone."

The pain in the undertone in his voice made me bite my lip as my forehead frowned for him.

What caused him so much unhappiness? Never had he showed me this side of him. Never had he discussed his doubts so openly.

Now if I only understood truly what he was saying.

If I only knew I was right.

It was then he turned, and he finally looked at me. Making my eyes widen as I drowned into his piercing gaze that woke a desperate, ill warmth inside of me, spreading like oil into my stomach.

"Then why do I feel this way?"

**

Another question as unclear as all the others he had asked me today. Another question leaving my mind blank as he recognized me standing next to him.

His eyes finally focused on me as he breathed light and absorbed beauty by simply sitting on the spot.

He took notice of me without fear, or surprise, and I realized he had been speaking to me all along. Yet a soft smile played around his silk lips as he laid green eyes upon me.

His eyes ran over me like the first time he had seen me. That day seemed decades from this moment, even if it was not.

I felt exposed once more. Naked to his all seeing eyes. But for the first time, it did not make me feel uncomfortable.

For the first time, there was no game behind his intentions. No mask before his eyes.

My eyes started to well when a feeling hit me so hard It blew me off my feet. A feeling so deep it burned me in the best way.

For the very first time in my whole life, I felt truly beautiful.

Because in his eyes shone what my eyes certainly betrayed whenever I looked at him. Like I looked at him now.

For the first time since I had been here, I saw me, in him. And him in me.

And I truly understood the battle going on inside his heart and his head.

For all the different reasons, we felt exactly the same. In the ways we expressed ourselves so differently, we both knew something….yes, was indeed happening. Shifting. Growing.

Both of us fighting it, both of us wanting it to end so desperately. But neither of us able to make it stop.

"I don’t know."
My answer to him was all I could make of it. Yet such pointless words seemed to shake him.

"This is not supposed to happen to me. This is not how I planned it."

I took a step forwards when painful moan escaped him before he turned from me and ran his hands over his beautiful face and tangled his fingers in the silky, dark hair.

Taking his eyes from my sight, and seeing his lean shoulders slump forward in his misery.

I was so drawn to him I could scream. Wanted to touch him so badly it hurt.

Yet I could not take that last step that would make it able for me to reach him. In my heart, I still feared him too intensely to take action without his permission.

I didn't know what to do, or what to say. All I knew was that I wanted to make everything better.

I hated myself, more now than I hated him, for being this weak. For being this controlled. But I didn't know how to feel anything else. How to make it end and to go back.

This heat had burned everything I used to be to ashes, never to be restored.

There was no way back. I couldn’t change it if I wanted to.

But that was one of those question I was desperately trying to avoid….what was it….what was it that I wanted?

It wasn’t how he had planned this? Well, it wasn’t how I had planned it either. It wasn’t how I had planned my life at all.

"Sometimes things just happen."
My words came out soft, smooth and pleading for him to look at me again. To calm down and tell me it didn't matter. That it would all be all right.

That everything would fall into place and nothing would ever be hard again.

His body jerked as he removed his face from his hand to look at me once more. This time looking bewildered as his jaw clenched together with his fists.

"Nothing just happens. Not to me."
He made statement, as if it would mean anything. As if it would undo all of it with one simple lie.

Making my blood boil with the anger his words brought me. Did he think he was the only one suffering? That this was about him only?

That I wasn’t in the same fight?

"Well if that's the case, than what is the problem…Captain?"
I hissed rudely from my place next to him. My voice drenched in the pain my heart was feeling as I forced him to keep his eyes on me. Close, but not close enough to touch him.

Stunned for a moment, but not shocked, as his body relaxed visibly and a form of defeat washed over his form.

Finally turning his body to the side on the chest so he was truly facing me. Fully clothed, but without any boots on his bare feet.

"……..It did."

**

A deep sigh escaped me. Suddenly I felt so old. So grown up.

So much older than fifteen.

I felt so much older, while he was suddenly looking so much younger.

Sitting across from where I was standing. Barefoot, slouched shoulders, and for the first time without all the answers.

Looking smaller than he truly was, and with clear, widened eyes so innocent, it made him look a child. It melted my heart before it could break.

He made me feel so hideously, wonderfully weak. Like this, or all the other ways he could become.

I knew there was more on his mind when his eyes stayed clouded. I knew this was not all about our inner turmoil.

Those feeling, they were triggered by something that was about to happen. That made him realize what inevitable.

"We're making port tomorrow, Bam."

And I had been right. Tomorrow we would get on land for the very first time. That had a meaning.

"Where?"

"I can’t tell."

Another silence between us.

Another exchange of looks that meant the same.

"Bam, I am writing that letter. I am sending it out tomorrow….And than you can go home. It will all be over soon."

There was spasm in the corner of his mouth. His teeth bit slightly over his bottom lip to hide the trembling of it.

Home. The word had gotten a different meaning over time.

His words hurt me more than I could have ever imagined. I wished I could make it all stop and be like any other boy. But I wasn’t and without even trying to hide, without even trying to hold it in or to look away, a loud sob escaped my body.

Without trying to be strong, I felt my world crash down upon me.

And without a pause, without another breath, I felt his strong, warm embrace swallowing my body, and making everything so simple become harder.

In his embrace, it felt right to be like this.

**

I heard him in and exhale in my ear as if trying to breathe my essence into him while he pressed me close against his body. Making me wrap my arms around his back in a tight embrace I could melt in.

My head against his chest, rising and falling together with his breathing. Body heat entwining together with our limbs as my small body rested against his much taller frame.

I could surrender and be safe. For now.

He felt so good against me, fitted so extremely well. So strong, yet so soft.

My body trembled in the intensity of the moment, and the emotions hitting my heart and soul from every angle. The head-spinning feeling of this strong, powerful, beautiful man against made me shudder as more tears spilled over my cheeks.

I had never given desiring another man a second thought, but now it had become reality. Even if I would burn in hell for an eternity, there was no way I could stop it.

Our bodies were wrapped into a tangle that had become one. Our heartbeats beat the same rhythm; our lungs breathed the same air in the same pace. Our blood rushed in the same directions.

And both of us, one united being, slowly pulled back only slightly so I could look up, and he could look down. So I could be absorbed by his soul as he captured me. My eyes filled with tears, his filled with something I could never grasp or understand.

But it was enough. Close enough to be real. And without another thought or protest I let him bend and capture my quivering lips with his moist ones as he ran his tongue over them right before they touched mine.

Those soft, plump lips once again dancing with mine as all worries left my body with that once single touch.

Our lips brushed. Close, but not close enough to be a true kiss. I gasped into his mouth at the sensation of it and I felt him trembling underneath the fingers I had now ran up to the side of silken cheeks to cup his face.

Such boldness shocked me, but my actions seemed uncontrolled as my body seemed to take over from my mind.

I allowed it without a fight, nothing on my mind but the incredible warmth that spread inside of me.

The pain, the pleasure, the need and the want all mixed up into a ball of painful desire I needed to obey.

Having him might doom me for the afterlife, but letting him go would destroy me forever.

The simple brushing, it felt unreal. Therefore easier for me to handle. It was real enough, but yet not true enough to be a real kiss. We simply breathed each other in as my tears ran over his lips. Tasting my salt as he shared them with me. It was more than perfect.

It was then that he slowly took control over my bottom lip with a deep, arousing sigh escaping through his nose. The warm air brushing my cheeks as I whimpered in response.

My eyes had closed themselves in surrender, while tears leaked from underneath the lids, still.

Why I cried, I didn't know anymore, but they silently kept falling. No sobs, no fights, simply water drops rolling their way down and falling off my chin onto the floor.

I felt his hands coming up as he slid his fingers along my jaw with feather light strokes. Brushing my moist cheeks as I panted from the feelings of his willingness to explore my features like this.

I didn't dare to move; not wanting to shatter the moment as we stood with such perfection and peace.

But when he pressed his lips more firmly to mine with a heated, beautiful moan escaping him, I knew nothing was able to take it from us. This moment, no matter what, it would always stay perfect. Because it was him I was having it with.

The only sound our united heartbeats and the rustling of the quiet sea as our souls danced and our lips caressed each other.

He opened his mouth against me in a sign of need, and I instantly fulfilled his obvious need by sliding my tongue over his swollen bottom lip in response. He felt so soft, so warm and so good that more tears slipped from my closed eyes.

With every tear another worry, another fear, another question slipping away from me. With every tear feeling lighter on my feet.

He sighed at the feeling of my tongue against his lips, stroking my cheeks as my fingers held on to the underside of his jaw.

The noises coming from him caused my pleasure as my tongue slipped into his waiting mouth and over his willing tongue making me shudder with arousal and pride that it was me making him feel this way.

He could have the world, but right now, it was me he chose to be with. It was me who affected him.

I made a similar noise in response as he let his tongue dance with mine in a slow, lazy but demanding way that was so intoxicating I felt the feeling spread all the way into my toes.

My body bathing in a tingling pleasure caused by his touch as he made love to me with his mouth.

It was so slow, so sweet, I couldn't get stand him to stop. When my soaked faced kept trying to get closer to his with mewling noise as he pulled from me after our dance, he groaned heatedly into my ear. Pulling me back into his embrace as he brought his mouth to my ear.

"Let me have you Bammie. Please."
He pleaded almost desperately, and my eyes rolled back in my head from what his words did to my body.

His words...he wanted me. And I knew how he wanted me.

And how I wished I could say yes.....but I could not.

How I wished I could say no.....but I could not.

"Come with me Bammie, I'll show you what we can do. Not me to you, not you to me, but together."
As he pulled from me while taking my hand, I could feel my legs wobble from the sensation of lust and fear from his suggestion.

But still, he was in control. Still he did not ask me. Still some things had stayed the same.
No matter how we were divided, he made the rules, and I followed them. Willingly, or not.

Because without another word, he scooped my body up in his arm before carrying me in his arms to below.

To his room.

Et Voila! Of course I break it off before the sex. You know me, I do this stuff all the time! I was not suprised, so don't tell me you were! Hihi!
Aaaaaaw you guys you guys....Group hug! I have the best readers in the world! You are all so intresting and funny in your way that I love writing answers to the reviews more than the story LOL! You make me look at my work again and give me ideas! 
Soooo keep doing it, I beg of you, because it makes me so happy!I might sounds all despreate..and that is kinda the point =P! I hope you enjoyed this one even if it was slow, but the next one might bring some juice!
Dont forget to pick a theme song angels! You need that theme song! You will hear it every time you wake up and go into the world! It si your song!
PWease review and share your overwhelming torught wiht me!
Pirate love and Vam kisses!!