Not all tresure is silver and gold - Chapter 18

Ahoy me good crew!!

More pages are updated now! If I forgot yours please let me know and I will fix it! Sorry, I kinda bit of more than I can chew here! *wink* Thanks all so much for all the creativity kitties!! You guys keep amazing me!!

Some of you guys even wrote a bio and posted a picture of themselves! I Actually used a picture myself to set an example! I suggest we all do the same! Pic is of course optional and so is the rest but come on...don't you wanne have the coolest pirate page? Of course you do! ARGGG!

You can still update whatever you like! Just tell me and I'll update your page. My email is
KarinvanKralingen@hotmail.com

Ok, the pages can be found here:The Crew of the Black Heart
And since I had no time to check if every link worked, here are all the pages: LJ

This week! Talents! You chose a letter, and I gave you your talent!! Of course you can chnage whatever you like!! Your page, your rules!! Check it out and I hope you enjoy!!

For the NEXT UPDATE! You guys will all have a special power!! Something that will make you truely unique!! You could be Super Fast, insanely smart or ridiculously strong!! Whatever you want, it is your pick!! I won't pick anything for you, so it is your call!!

BUT: That doesn't mean I dont need more ideas!! Think me beaties! THINK! Suprise with your lovely ideas!!!

Don't have a flag but want one??
The colours for my Flag

Update your page NOW!

OH And suggestions for future pirate page updates are very welcome!!!

-Captain karinvam and First matevillespunkchick

Not on the list? That means you are not a member of the Black Heart. Why the hell not?? Are you insane?? Sigh up now!!

Chapter 1 - Pirates!
Chapter 2 - Its all true
Chapter 3 - Yes Captain
Chapter 4 - Never trust a pirate
Chapter 5 - Waking up in hell
Chapter 6 - Not that innocent
Chapter 7 - Right Decision, Wrong Choice
Chapter 8 - Damn him!
Chapter 9 - Missed a spot
Chapter 10 - C'est une belle histoire
Chapter 11 -Kisses and Dramaqueens
Chapter 12 - Damaged
Chapter 13 - Liar

Chapter 14 - Saved to kill you
Chapter 15 - When I need you most
Chapter 16 - No black no white
Chapter 17 - All Better

Chapter 18 – Maybe…Last night was a lie

It was morning.

Once again, I could tell without opening my eyes. Without having to remember where I was, or what had happened to me.

I knew what had happened. And knew what had been done to me. Who had done it. I knew all too well.

The whole night I had been bathing in it. My dreams that haunted me in the short periods of time where my heavy eyes had closed themselves, had been about him. Him and me and the things we did. Or…he had done…to me.

Reliving it over and over again, until I wanted to scream. Until I wanted to get out of the room, go outside, so I'd be able to breath.

But I didn’t. I fought the panic swelling and dying inside me with every breath, like the tide of the sea. I fought the thoughts and dreams, and went back to sleep. Simply to dream again, and have the whole thing happening over and over.

Looking back on last night, everything after that moment of pure bliss...that moment where I had lost myself, seemed to have happened in a blur. Had seemed to happen while a haze of fog filled my head as I let everything happen without thinking, without understanding, without fighting.

I remembered him whispering to me, but all the words had gone by me. I remembered him undressing himself completely, before crawling on the bed and laying on his back next to me with a look of heavy need on his flushed face as his eyes had ranked over me with so much lust and adoration I had felt like I was floating. And he stroked himself to his release while his nose was buried on my hair. Inhaling and panting intensely as he whispered sweet things in my ear.

Coming shortly after he had started, and making me feel the wet drops landing partly on my arms and stomach as he did.

After he had cleaned both me and himself of the moisture on the sheets, he had rolled over on his stomach with a content sigh to kiss me gently on the lips.

Starting so slow and sweet as he made me open up for him once more. Making love to me with his tongue as he stroked mine with so much intensity, yet so soft and calm. Kissing me quietly, for what seemed an hour.

My eyes had closed, my body still and relaxed, my mind not willing to think.
The fear I had felt for a simple moment after my release had disappeared with his. I knew that tonight had been about me after all. Tonight, he had not wanted me to do anything, he had simply wanted me to surrender.

And I had. I had surrendered to him, and he was content. He was reassured of his title once again. His clouded mind had seemed to clear, and everything was well. He was no longer angry.

He had kissed my face sweetly, whispering more soft words about my beauty and how much he admired it, and for only a small moment I had thought to myself that maybe….just maybe……I was under his skin all the same.

That maybe, he was falling for me. That he would not be able to forget me or this night either.

Even when it was long gone.

That things had now changed between us. That he would not be gone the moment I woke the next morning. That maybe…….maybe he would hold me then. That he would want me as a lover. That maybe from now on, we belonged together.

That maybe he would want me as his partner, here on the ship. As almost the spouse of a pirate Captain.

Maybe….

And I didn’t know how much I resented it. I couldn’t feel the true meaning of those thoughts. I couldn’t grip the way how it would make me feel if this would happen. I couldn’t do anything, but I had laid there, listening to his whispers in the dark, as I slowly drifted off.
That is how I'd fallen asleep. That is how we'd spend the rest of our night.

**
And now it was morning.

And he was still here.

God, he was still here.

I could feel his body sinking the mattress next to me. I could feel the heat coming from him as I laid close to his naked body. Not touching, but still so close I could even hear his breathing.

Not slow enough to be asleep, but still not moving any more than had he been sleeping.
I knew he was also faking not to be awake, since he made no move to get up.
Wondering maybe, reflecting, just like me.

And that idea, made a nauseating feeling rush through my awakening body. Because inside my head I was wondering the same thing as last night. But now in the hard morning light, all it brought me was more pain. More doubts.

Maybe things had really changed. Maybe he was really growing feelings for me.
Maybe, just maybe, he was not going to let me go in the end. That he wanted me to stay with him.

Because last night….The way he had looked at me, the way he had spoken to me, and the gentleness of all his actions, the passion, the intensity, and the tenderness, made me believe we had been lovers.

Last night….we had been lovers.

He loved me, maybe. At least he cared, and he desired me. Wanted me, and he loved to take care of me.

That was so wrong. That was…unacceptable. But yet, I feared it could be the truth.
If he did want me, and if he did want me to stay, than I had no say in it. I would stay, because he wouldn’t let me go. He wouldn’t keep his promise.

Never trust I pirate. I knew that wasn’t a lie. I couldn’t trust him. If he grew feelings for me, and if he fell in love with me, he wouldn’t allow me to leave.

He would sway me into loving him too, by doing the things to me that he did last night. By making me feel so very loved by such a beautiful, strong man. He would make me forget about his evil side that he would never show me again, so I would believe he had turned into a different person for me.

And I would fall. I would fall hard.

Only to become a person with wrong morals and values, and to end up in hell. To be a sinner that lived his life only letting himself be led by Satan. Or whoever it was out there really…

I wasn’t sure of many things anymore, but I knew a man and a woman were meant for each other more than any man for another man.

I would change into some one else. I would become stronger, and more like him, yes. But I would become cruel, evil maybe too. I would be a pirate. I would never become a governor. A stranger to a place I had grown up.

Never making my father proud. Living only, to prove that I was still worth something without his approval. And therefore living to prove it by taking from others to make myself bigger than I really was.

Or simply to become as lost…as lost as he was. Lost in his own head. Lost where I could never reach him. No one could.

The reason the world never seemed to get bored with him.

**

Things had changed since last night.

I wasn’t certain about his feelings towards me now, I could only fear them. Fear them to become something I couldn’t take. Or resist.

But I knew I had changed too. In a way, I had changed. Something inside of me had shifted, and woken, while other aspects had been pushed into the background.

After last night, all I wanted to do was run, hide in shame of everything that had happened, but all the same, I only craved more of his touch and taste. His warmth. His love.

After last night, I understood the dark temptation of sex. It was something you would always crave, once tasting the pleasure that could come with it.

That he could bring me. Because with anyone else, I knew it could have easily been the worst experience of my life.

With him it wasn’t…..

Because suddenly, I felt bigger. I felt matured. I felt like I was part of a secret that only adults knew. Adults, people that had exchanged wedding vows before God….and me. I was in on it. I knew now what it was like.

That knowledge, made me different, older, yet younger than I was.

Because deep inside me, there was a longing for more, as my heart simply screamed for his touch again. For him to look at me, and smile with those gorgeous green eyes that made me so warm inside, while inside my head, I felt sick.

Absolutely disgusted, by the way I wasn’t….by the way I wasn’t disgusted with myself. By the way I wasn’t as broken, or felt as dirty as I should have felt by him doing these things to me.

By me letting him do those things. Begging him. Begging him to touch me.
By not being who I expected myself to be.

And if this wasn’t confusing enough, I knew he wasn’t who I had expected him to be either.
And that’s why I feared now, that he could indeed love. That he could indeed cherish and keep. And that it was me who he was keeping.

Because he had loved, and he had adored me last night. He had drank in my entire being with so much hunger, I knew it was more than just a quick fix on his behalf. He wanted more, more than sex. He had seemed to want all of me, with such tenderness and sweetness I knew it had caused the butterflies in my stomach to turn into dragons.

So much tenderness, kindness and so much depth, was something I had never experienced before in my life. And it was grabbing me, holding me, tighter than his beauty. It was gripping me into the blanket of unreality, and made me forget all the things that had seemed important before.

Maybe he would want me. Want me with him, here on the ship.

But I wouldn’t be able to resist.

It was so, so wrong.

**

He startled me, when I suddenly heard him move.

He had obviously decided that there was no more time for reflecting and over thinking, and that he had to fulfill his duty as the strong, stern captain of this ship. The role I saw fading before me only last night.

He was sitting up quickly, so the sheets shifted slightly from my body. And I wondered what would be wise for me to do.

I could pretend to be asleep, and wait for him to wake me. Or to leave, so I could dress in private.

I could also wake, and face what had happened between us. What had changed. How he would look at me. Maybe kiss me good morning. Look at me with those warm, loving eyes.
Green I couldn’t say no to.

No, it was so wrong. God it was so wrong. I shouldn’t be longing for any of this. I should resent it. Avoid it. If I wanted any chance for my soul to get through this, then I needed to distance myself from him. I needed to put an end to this.

But now, after everything, I wondered whether there was a soul to be saved. Whether there was a God that would care about any of this.

I wondered what it was that in the end would make me happy. Or if I was wasting my life.
That wonder alone, that doubt, made me open my eyes.

"Captain."

**

I didn’t know why I addressed him, as I sat up in the bed. My naked body covered by sheets he had loved me on. Looking upon him as he stood half dressed in the room while he picked up a shirt as blue as the midnight sky.

I suppose it was to have him notice me, as he moved across the room without a glance towards the bed. Not even when I sat up.

But when I spoke, he did notice me.

”Ah Bam, finally awake. Get out of the bed boy and get dressed. It’s getting late.”
His eyes looked up right into mine, before he quickly shifted them to the shirt in his hands. Pulling it over his head right after he had finished his sentence.

Those eyes……not as deep green as they had been last night. These eyes were almost as blue as mine now. They were cold.

So cold, I felt my insides being washed over by sickening ice.
He finished getting dressed and ready without another word. Without another glance towards me as I sat on the bed without moving.

Without being able to speak. Without being able to breath.

I just watched him applying the kohl around his eyes in front of a mirror as I felt all my earlier thoughts replacing themselves for deep, meaningless darkness. For nothing.

All of my thoughts.....had been a lie. An illusion. A ridiculous fantasy.

And with all the disapproval I had faced in my life, I had never felt smaller, colder and more unwanted than I felt right now.

He had used me. He had USED me.

I thought he had cared, and he had used my body. Like a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
I knew he was leaving soon, and I feared this was where he would part from me. Leaving me poisoned for the day.

Taking that part of warmth that had been inside my body with him.
”What….what am I supposed to do?”  

I asked him in a small childlike voice I couldn’t suppress. My doubt shining through it as he looked back at me with his hat in his hands.

”Have breakfast in the dining room and see who is willing to put up with you today.”
It was all he said, before his head turned, and he reached for the doorknob.

Taking it in his hand and opening the door without looking back. His coat billowing behind him as he walked from me into the hallways while the door fell shut behind him.
Leaving me here on the bed.

This time, less doubts, less fighting for my control. No longer confused, and no longer fearing for his dream to keep me here with him. To be with him, forever.

It did not exist. He didn’t love me.

Last night had been a lie.

**

I got dressed and left the room quickly. Not being able to stand his smell in it any longer. The cold icy feeling in my body never leaving me as I walked straight to the dining room.
For the first time without fear. Simply because I didn’t care.

Simply because all I could think, was how stupid I had been.

How embarrassed I should be.

How empty I felt.

How could I have thought that…..that he would want me any other way that sexually? How could I have thought it had meant something more.

I could cry from my own stupidity, but I refused. I simply couldn’t allow myself to think of the fact that no one could ever….

But no, this was a relief. In a weird way, this should be the biggest relief.

I was safe for now, and he wasn’t interested in me as a person. He didn’t want me with him, he just liked to take advantage of me as long as I was here.

In the end, he would have no trouble letting me go.

Which…which was good. Great actually. Meant I could go home safely. Pick up my life where I left it off. Confess, pray, and spend some years cleaning my soul. Or maybe…try to find some books on other religions. Do some research and expand my horizon.

That insight would be the only thing I could be thankful for. That insight he had given me.
Still….I felt nothing but emptiness. Nothing but...nothing. My mind refuses to let me feel anything else. I lived in a haze as I got up and left the room.

And now it was time for breakfast.

**

I marched through the hallway into the dining room without thinking. Without letting all these feelings piece my heart as I tried to move, to think, to feel as little as I possibly could.

All that had happened, it didn’t matter anymore. I was too tired, too confused and too scared to….to care.

I knew I wouldn’t find him in there. I knew he wouldn’t be near me today until the night came.
And I didn’t.

The room was almost empty. Surprisingly empty to be exact, and that rose slight panic inside of me as the stern paces become small steps over the threshold.

Dani wasn’t here, and that was something I had not expected. Dani was usually here around this time of the day, and I had hoped he would wait for me.

That didn’t really go with my plan of spending today with him. Learning to write new things and talking about my feelings to someone who actually seemed to care. I knew he would put up with me, as the Captain had so lovingly told me.

A pleasant day on this horrible ship with these horrible people. Now even this was not very likely.

I recognised Burton on one of the chairs next to the Captain’s. His hat over his eyes and sound asleep, his feet comfortably propped up on the table. Arms folded as he made small snoring noises.

Next to him, seemingly writing something on a piece of paper with a quill, was Jyrki. His head bent, not seeming to notice me as he only had eyes for his work. His waterfall of dark hair covering his entire face.

It was only when I sat down in front of the food-filled plate that happened to be the seat across from him that he looked up and noticed me.

Wiping one side of his hair behind his ear as he looked at me a little blankly while his hand instantly covered the piece of paper he'd been working on.

”Ai Bam, didn’t see ya there, mate.”
He sounded almost startled, quickly folding his piece of paper and shoving it into his pocket as he forced a tired smile.

Looking slightly better than before, but still sporting dark circles around his remarkable blue eyes.

”Hi.”
I greeted him a little shyly. From all the guys, Jyrki wasn’t the one I knew best. He didn’t seem to dislike me, but he didn’t seem to have much interest in me either. He seemed to live in his own little world most of the times, and it scared me a little.

I started eating silently, shifting my eyes back to my plate as he didn't seem interested in a conversation. The piece of paper however, stayed safely in his pocket.

 
I was almost done eating, my mind drifting back and back to the Captain and the way he had looked at me this morning, when Burton snorted loudly before murmuring something about his shoes.

”Is he ok?”
I dared to ask Jyrki as he looked up from his black fingernails he was trying to clean with a air of indifference washed over him.

”Oh aye, ey had a long nightshift. Didn’t make it to the cabin ey.”
I nodded again, eating the rest of my plate in silence. I knew what I had to do, but I didn’t feel very encouraged to do so after he seemed so disinterested in me.

More disintrest in me, just what I needed to get through this wonderful day.
It was when he stood up in silence, and scraped his chair back over the wooden floor, stretching his lean, long body, that I knew I had no more time to put my question off.

”Jyrki?”
He turned around. Again, looking puzzled, and slightly annoyed by my call.

”Hmm?”

”Can I spend today with you? Help you with your work maybe.”

The pause between us was almost unbearable as I stood up from the table. Having his long figure looking down on me with an unreadable expression. As if he was trying to figure out my game.

Sadly, I truly didn’t have one.

”Fine.”
He finally answered me. His thick accent giving me chills.

Yet it did not give me any relief. Because I knew this day was gonna be hard and extremely uncomfortable. His lack of enthusiasm showed me this.

”But today is laundry day, and it's my turn, so get ready to wash some dirty pirate clothing.”

Laundry day? On a pirate ship? Laundry? Did he really just say….

”Follow me.”