Not all treasure is silver and gold - Chapter 16

He had seen the knife. He'd found it on me.

And now here it was, and I couldn't believe I hadn't remembered. I'd taken the knife while risking my own life, and then....I had simply forgotten about it.

Waking up in his arms, had made me forget about every thing that had seemed important before. It had made my mind blank, and seemed to have changed my view on what was really important. Only now realizing my stupidity.

And now there it was. The knife was right here in front of me on a chair, laying neatly on my folded clothing, as if it belonged there.

As if it didn't matter to him.

As if it wasn't of his concern.

And the way he was acting, as if we were discussing small talk, as if it was a joke to him, as if he didn't realise why I had taken the knife in the first place.

As if he didn't realize I had wanted to take his life with this weapon., as I still did.

I still......I....

No, no, no, this needed to stop, this was his plan, this was exactly how he wanted me to feel.

To be confused, and vulnerable.

His sweet behaviour, and his gentleness with me, it had all been about this. About knowing what was going on in my head, he wanted to see how far he needed to push me to drive me completely insane. He knew I wanted him dead.

And he was trying to change my mind about him to make me weak.

Or was he? Maybe I was going insane.

Maybe he truly didn't understand. Or maybe he didn't care.

The way he was looking at me, whilst sitting on his bed petting the spot next to him and wanting me to join him, laughing, made it look as if the knife was the last thing on his mind. As if he had truly forgotten about it just like I had.

As if he really didn't care, and just wanted to be with me. As if he understood.
And that was what I hated about him most, because he didn't understand. Not this or anything else about me.

Nor did he understand how he had made me feel tonight, or how much he confused me by being and acting the way he was.

The way he was laughing. It was almost as if he was mocking me. As if I wasn't a threat to him whatsoever. As if I was nothing more than just a harmless, innocent boy.
Which I guess I was.

I had been foolish to think I was anything more. That there had been something I could have done.

I'd been wrong about tonight, I'd been wrong thinking he actually cared. Everything in life was just a joke to him, I was just a joke to him. And it hurt me. I wish it didn't, but it did.

I had allowed him to get to me and now I was paying the price. I'd made a fool out of myself.

The moment seemed to last forever, until he finally spoke to me again. A small smile playing around his soft lips, and a happy glint in those diamond eyes.

"That knife belongs to Migé my love, and I do wish you would know that it's not polite to just take something that doesn't belong to you."

My mouth simply opened itself in complete shock, and I didn't even realise it was until my jaw started to ache. That was it? Migé is missing a knife? That was what was bothering him? I could have cried from the humiliation I felt when I realized he really did just see me as a rich brat with no power whatsoever. Over him or anyone.

As I had always been seen for my entire life. And always would be. For some reason, coming from him it hurt me that much more.

"I…..I……" But he didn’t let me finish as he beckoned for me to come over and sit down next to him once again. His eyes still so kind, his smile still in place.
But I refused.

I refused to sit down next to him. I couldn't trust him. Maybe he wanted to show me what he could do with the knife to my body, or possibly worse, what his body could do to my body.

He scared me being like this right now, and I didn’t know whether to be afraid of him responding to the situation like he was, or to be relieved he didn’t seem to be offended by his discovery.

"Bammie, don’t look so scared boy, it’s all right. I understand you want a weapon to protect yourself, and I will allow you to carry one if you must. After what Jussi did to you yesterday I understand that you don’t feel safe." He nodded.

He simply....He simply nodded..... and my eyes seemed to want to bulk out of their sockets.

He what?

He understood? He understood I wanted a knife to possibly kill him and his crew? That I wanted protecting?

What in Gods name was….was going on here?

Was he mad? Was I mad?

Had the world is completely gone mad?

Why would he understand me? I tried to kill him. I tried to kill him and his men...or at least I would have...I would.…and he what…..he understood?

What had happened to him? This was not the most feared pirate Captain. This was not the Captain I had come to know. The one who would punish me for saying his name.
"But remember this my sweet…." He continued and I gasped when his impressive tall figure slid gracefully off the bed and onto his knees before me on the floor.

"Try to hurt anyone, try to kill anyone, and I will have to punish you."
His last words were whispered in my ear carefully, as his lips brushed against it and I sucked in the air heavily through my nose.

Still on the floor, silk still wrapped round my naked body. With his gorgeous form knelt in front of me. His face so close next to mine I almost felt like pressing my burning cheek to his smooth one next to me as I felt him breathing on my neck.

There he was. There he was again. He had been there all along. Impressive as always, and making me weak in my bent knees. No longer confusing me, but overwhelming me all the more.

My body was aching for those strong arms to wrap around me as much as I wanted to push him away. God I could cry again. He was so beautiful and so soft, yet strong. I wanted to feel it again, but I knew it was wrong.

Was wanting him a sin alone?

Yes it was…….but not as much as acting upon it.

"Do you understand me?"
Another whisper brushed my ear and I shivered slightly against his shoulder, that was now touching mine as he leant forward. So close we were almost hugging without arms. So close I could feel him, smell him and want him. Cursing myself as my body leaned closer.

He was threatening me, but in the sweetest, most gentle way, as every single words seemed to caress my skin, no matter how horrible they were. As if he was trying to touch me with his voice.

And it was working, because I felt my eyelids flutter slightly from the sound.

"Yes."
I couldn’t help but hiss as I felt my head nodding lazily. I was so calm on the outside, but inside there was completely chaos. Inside was only a tight ball of nerves formed by his words.

Why was I such a disgrace? Why couldn’t I just think like a normal boy and despise the idea of being with another man?

I wished I could cry, as he frustrated me beyond belief. Why didn’t he simply beat me? Why didn’t he just push me away or call me names? Why was he so extremely endearing?

"Such a good boy. I knew you would understand. I'm not mad at you, I just wanted you to know how we can keep it this much fun. To explain the rules."

He purred deeply into my ear as I unwillingly closed my eyes. Not touching but so close to him I felt every fibre in my being longing to feel him against me. To simply close that inch between us and let me feel him again.

Because he was truly so beautiful I could simply die from the weakness inside of me as he touched me. The feeling of surrendering to darkness to get so much in return. The price, only to loose yourself and find yourself in him. Trapped....forever.

He withdraw only slightly so he could hover his face close to mine, right in front of me again. Looking at me with those endless dark pools leading into a green firey hell that longed for me, before he leaned in to graze my lips with his moist, pouting ones.

"No, please Captain…don’t, please…"
I couldn’t take it. My body was about to explode from all the turmoil going on inside of me.

He did things to me I didn’t understand, and I wanted to scream out my confusion. All I knew was that it was too much for me to take.

"Shhh sweetheart what is it? Talk to me."
His sweet command made me tremble, as his eyes kept locked with mine. His hand reached out to cup my cheek as I flinched. Trying to pull away but not being able to as his thumb stroked my cheek lovingly.

This was it. This was what was wrong. And he didn’t see.

"Why?" Was all I managed to choke out as my face rested in his gentle yet strong hand, and he looked at me in question.

"Why what love?"

He whispered deeply, not moving his body out of my personal space.
Love… it was almost ironic.

"Why are you being so sweet to me? What's going on?" I brought out in a sob as I started to break down. My voice cracking with emotions. My body quivering from the intensity.

I wanted to grab his shoulders and shake him into his normal self when he simply looked at me for a moment, as his wiped away my forming tears. Keeping them from falling.
Wanting him to be cruel to me again. To give me a reason to hate him. To stop making me feel all these things.

He looked at me. Just looked at me. Not laughing, nor getting upset. Simply staring at me as if he was dumbstruck by my words. As if he was lost in deep thought. His expression never changing as he looked at me with unseeing eyes.

"I don’t know."

He finally stated, so soft I could barely make out his words. He finally allowed himself to actually look at me again as he stared right into my blue eyes filled with confusion.

"Last night made me feel….calm. It made me feel very good. You made me want to be careful and I enjoy that feeling very much." He admitted with a sly smile, as his eyes avoided me for a moment. Looking down to his fumbling hands as I frowned.

Has he forgotten how angry I had made him that same night? Did that not matter anymore?

"You remind me of a young me, and I guess that's my weak spot. I like to take care of you, as much as I like to teach you the things I think you need to learn."
"Like the things you taught me last night?"

A spat out, my bottom lip quivering as I tried not to cry. How could he know what I needed to learn? Was this the reason he hurt me so? Cause he thought I needed to learn, or to toughen up?

I wasn’t going to be a pirate. There was no need for me to toughen up.

"Tell me you didn’t enjoy it."
It was almost a dare as he grabbed both my wrists to force me to look at him. To connect with him so he knew I was with him. Right here, right now, talking about reality. All things I didn’t or couldn’t talk about.

"It was wrong."

"No it wasn’t."

It was almost a childish fight as he disagreed with me without another argument.

"It's sinning."

"There is no such thing as sin." He almost laughed at me, and again I wondered where he got such ideas. How we could have such different sources for our ideas of religion.

"Sex isn't meant for that."

He heard me, even though my voice almost gave out with the sentence. The word sex difficult for me to speak, as it wasn’t quite appropriate to say such a thing. But I figured that line was crossed a long time ago.

He simply laughed at me as I winced, our bodies still so close we shared body heat.

"We're not animals Bam. We can choose to enjoy our bodies this way. It's what makes as human. You and your little world are simply scared to enjoy life in fear of all the things that will never happen. For all the things the church doesn't want you to do so you'll do as they tell you. You're wasting your life."

.........