Not all treasure is silver and gold - Chapter 12

Chapter 12 - Damaged


His kisses. His soothing words. Those emerald green eyes. They had forced the slip of my tongue.

They had blurred my mind to the point I wasn’t even bothered with my self-protection. All reason and wisdom seemed sucked out of me trough every poor by his mouth, and his touch.

And now…I was in trouble.

Well, Jussi was probably in more trouble in the long hall, but knowing, seeing that even the suspicion of the truth of Jussi’s words brought such fury into his darkening, blazing but so enthralling eyes, I knew I was the unfortunate one being stuck in the same room as he was right now.

Even as he frightened me, like he was doing right now, until I could feel my bones quiver from one simple look, I could not look away.

Somehow, he had seemed to disconnect my mind from my body. So strongly I feared it would be permanent. My mind was praying for this to be over, for him to let me go, to leave me here alone and see Jussi about this mater, to turn to his bed and go to sleep.

My body; it only remembered his touch. His hand on my knee, my tights. His exposed body as he laid on the bed as he touched himself while never taking his eyes off me. That kiss he had stolen from me as he had forced my lips to open up for him. Those sweet, soft, butterfly kisses caressing my skin…only seconds ago.

Not to mention my already scarred but still saveable soul, that remembered Jussi and Dani’s words. That he had once been like me. That he had once been a frightened boy too, tortured by fate and his cruel father. Damaged forever.

Those combined into one was me now. And it was enough to make my head spin and my eyes water as he kept his green ones fixed upon mine so intensely. Why had my life, my being, my world had become so much more difficult in such a short time? Why was black and white for the first time in my life blending into grey? Right into wrong?

Why could I hate him, pity him and secretly, whenever I allowed myself to admit it in those guilty seconds after denying it and fearing it all the more, desire him, all at the same time?

It was as unclear as how he seemingly could want me, desire me, care for me and feel affection towards me as much as he was indifferent, violent and annoyed by me all the same. Was this his way? Was this who he was and always had been? Or had Jussi’s outburst had actually been based onto some truth?

That maybe he could be just as confused as I was? Hiding himself behind his power, anger and lust? I did not know, I did not know him, but Jussi’s words kept haunting me as I looked at him, pinned against the wall and his body.

“Well..?”

He was, unsurprisingly, growing inpatient with me, and his grip around my shirt-clad arms increased in it’s force as he pushed me harder against the wooden wall.

I wondered if the fluttering in my stomach was caused by my fear, the rocking of the ship, or something else.

What could I tell him?
I couldn’t lie. I knew he would know if I lied. He always did, and I would undoubtedly earn myself another beating if I did. But what of the truth could I tell him without earning myself AND Jussi a severe beating? I was literally and figuratively speaking stuck between a rock and a…hard place, yes.

And even though I had, of course, no experience with the Captain having issues with openhearted talks about his feelings…, His past and all the other things Dani has shared with me this afternoon, not to mention the look in his eyes now he had started to realize what kind of high emotional talk Jussi and I had had about him, with as outcome slightly bruised knees for me, a black eye for Dani and a downright heartbroken Jyrki, made me understand this was not going to be a picnic.

He would  not like this to say in the least. And I was the only person in the room he could take his anger out on.

Still, time for thinking how to bring him this delicately was quickly running out now as he seemed to grow taller on the spot, towering over me as he had simply straightened his shoulders and back while tilting his head upwards to look down his nose to glare at me with a warning look.

It was almost magical how such little effort on his behalf could make me feel so small and intimidated once again. Like he had flicked a switch to open his portal that made power flow form him in heavy waves. To make him truly and rightfully the most frightening Captain the seas had even known.

I could stall no longer, now he was frightening me by simply holding me in place by blocking me with his straight and impressive figure. Pressing against me as the wall covered my backside. I could almost feel his muscles rippling underneath his white shirt as he tensed and raised his upper lip to let out my last warning in the form of a low grunt.

Rippling muscles I had seen moving underneath pale, glowing skin as he had thrown his head back in ecstasy. His pearly white teeth piercing his red, swollen bottom lip while he looked at me trough fluttering eyelids, with a hint of crystalline green sparkling behind them. His hands..

NO, no this was not the time. Never would be the time. It was that burning image on the inside of my eyes that haunted me every time I closed them, together with the warmth of his body pressing against mine, making his body heat seep trough both of layers of clothing and seep into my skin as it came in contact with his soft yet hard body that had distracted me for a split second, and had lit the fire inside my core.

A split seconds too long to his and my liking, but a split second to make me realize how weak he had made me inside.

“BAM! Answer me you little brat!”

A split second too long. He had now confused my silence together with my ragged breathing for rudeness. Rudeness he would simply not stand for, and I whimpered as he suddenly reached out and grabbed a handful of my chocolate brown curls.

Whimpering he ignored as he roughly yanked my head back and have the back of my skull bang painfully against the wooden wall I was standing against. Making me feel slightly sick and rather dizzy as he forced my head upwards to look into his furious eyes.

“ H-he…He told me…Ahh He told me...He said you are not capable to love. I don’t know why he did, please..please…”

I regretted to hear myself beg for him to let me go and sigh in relief as he did. But as the burning of my bruised skin subsided I could feel a new sensation rushing trough me as he stared at me with unreadable eyes . Leaning closer to my face as he suddenly place both hands next to my head, as if he was going to kiss me again. His breathing was speeding up as it caressed my skin for the moment.

Maybe he didn’t care. Maybe he just wanted to pick up where we left off. That would as much as good news as it would be bad.

But I knew I was wrong as he suddenly pushed both hands hard against the wide wall behind me, only to let go of it and distance himself from me and the wall before he turned his body away from me. Refusing to look at me any longer, so it seemed. 

“ Did he now…”

I didn’t know if he expected me to speak, or perhaps run for the door as he stood with his back turned from me. But all I did was quickly distance myself from the wooden wall I had been trapped against, for the fear of having my aching body slammed against it once more.

Taking a step forward only so I could move more freely, I stood frozen on the spot, waiting for him to react or respond in some way. Wondering what was going on inside of him now I could not read or see his face. Wishing he would do something to lift this loud and heavy silence.

Luckily he did shortly after my silent payers, after having taken a few deep and long breaths.

“ Well, this explains a couple of things I suppose. Jyrki…..and Jussi’s attitude…”

He never finished his sentence, speaking more to himself than to me so it appeared. I wondered if he expected me to agree with him. Even if I did not know what I would be agreeing with.

“I  know why he said this to you Bam, but I don’t know what made him say it.”
He sounded calm now, tired even. And the way he said it…as if it would explain something to me. He turned himself, but only half. Showing me his half tired, half angry eyes as he teeth seemed to clench together. His youthful face that made him look more innocent than he really was being lit by candlelight. Light that made his bottom lip sparkle as he moistened it by sucking it between his teeth into his mouth before releasing it again.

Making me shiver as he gave me a look, as if wanting me to explain the meaning of his words back to him.

“H-he is jealous.”
I stuttered, jumping at once as he banged his strong fist on the desk he was now standing next to. I had to fight the urge to cover my face with my hands as he growled dangerously. Hoping he would only take out that aggression on his furniture.

“What Jussi thinks we once had is long gone. It never excited. I have always been honest about that since the night he came to my room. I never gave him the illusion it was anything more that what it was.”

The anger inside of him seemed to grow as his voice rose with every word. Speaking them rather to convince himself of it that informing me. I, of course, had already been told this by Dani.

“He knows that.”

I spoke, my voice almost a whisper as I prayed it would calm him down before he would take out some of that boiling anger on my body. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out that way.

“ I bloody well know that Bam. And it had never been an issue until now. All because I let you sleep in my room, to keep you safe nonetheless. That’s what this is about isn’t it?”

“Y-yes, I-I guess…”
I stuttered, and he looked sharply back at me once more.

“You guess? You better become sure right about now than.”
I knew he was somehow fishing for all for Jussi’s words, suspecting there to be more to this story. He seemed so desperate know all of it. So desperate I realized there was more to it than him wanting to know what was said. He wanted to know if any of the words had…had changed my thinking about him. If it had made him more vulnerable in my eyes.

“Yes I…All he asked was if I slept in your bed, if you had touched me and….”

I hesitated. Not wanting to go where Jussi had gone this morning. Knowing such a…intimate subject would only anger him more. But he felt my hesitation, and could undoubtedly see the fear in my widened blue eyes, shone upon my the mysterious candle light as my brown hair fell into them. My slightly chubby cheeks burning with embarrassment.

“And? Come on Bam, and you better not lie to me.”
He felt my intentions and as he turned his lean body towards me again his shirt fell slightly open to reveal a part of his pale, smooth chest to me. Warmly glowing in the light as it stood against his white shirt. The heartagram tattoo around his flat, pink nipple showing as the fabric had shifted on his body by the frantic movements of his body in his anger.

I had to tore my eyes away to keep my mind with the issue at hand.

I’d better not lie to him, that part was true. I needed no more proof to believe that much. It was such a terrifying thought to realize that the only way for me to get out of here with as little damage as possible was to obey him. In every single way. Until the day I would find the opportunity to have my revenge and murder him in cold blood in exchange of my freedom and innocence.

“ He just…I…”

“ Come on, I know it was about me and some love issue. Spill or I’ll have you sleep with the rest of the crew. And as you probably realized by now you do not have many friends downstairs.”
He mocked me now, and I suppressed a winch.

Sadly enough, it was very true, and I did not fancy that proposal whatsoever. He knew Jussi had told me he couldn’t love, but it seemed to matter a great deal in what context he had told me this.

My inner cheek was starting to feel sore as I only now realized I had been chewing on it from the nerves ragging trough my body. What was he going to do to me once he knew? What was he going to say? Why couldn’t he just let it go?

“ That you…..” I had to take a deep breath before I finished and look away from his demanding eyes and cocked eyebrow.

“ That you could never love me, so that I-I mustn’t get any ideas, or something. But that-that you look at me differently. And…and that was what upset him…”

There, I had said it. Jussi’s ridiculous words. And now I would get laughed at, or beaten for speaking them. I felt so incredibly uncomfortable speaking such words, about his feelings towards me nonetheless. It was just too strange.

I felt my face flush even harder now as I blushed with childish embarrassment. Waiting for him to react as I did not dare to look up and into his face.

“ W-was that what he said? His exact words?”
He was almost stuttering. I couldn’t believe it as I finally looked up into his confused and startled but perfect face.

It was awful to think at this or any other moment that even confusion looked good on him, with his widened forest green eyes, surrounded and darkened by a thick line of kohl. His parted lips as his mouth was only slightly opened. Even his thick and shining dark hair got weary as he run his black cloth covered hands trough it.

I simply nodded, seeing the wheels in his head spinning as he looked at me.

I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t help remembering how those parted lips had felt against mine. How those hands…
Had banged my head against the wooden wall. No, he was evil and wrong. Monetarily just also confused as he knitted his perfect brows. That didn’t make him any better than he really was.

His brows, knitted as they were, slowly bending down more to turn them into an evil frown. There was my proof.

He had apparently figured out how to take this information and it wasn’t turning out well for me obviously.

Out of the blue, his voice was strict and harsh again, as if his mood had never changed.

“ Well, he is right Bam.”

My heart stopped. Was it true than? Did he really treated me differently? Did he really looked at me trough different eyes? That would be….

“ I don’t and never will love you. Not that it matters, but it is true.”

Again my cheeks burned in shame. How could I have made such a stupid mistake? Of course this was what he had tried to tell me. He would never…

It should have relieved me. And it did to some point. But somehow the words were too harsh not to sting.

I felt the same way of course. He would never love me, and I would never love him. Not that it mattered no, because it didn’t. But it was the way it was. It had to be, He was resentful and a sinner.

But still, his two faced personality had actually fooled me into thinking he sometimes really cared. And that had, honestly, made me feel a little safer and a little warmer on this dangerous, cold pirate ship.

I couldn’t help it, but I felt offended in a way. It wasn’t or hadn’t been an issue, but it was still not very nice to hear for starters. And yes, it was one of his childhood traumas that made him say this, but I felt my eyes squeeze tighter as I answered him. Trying to sound ignorant as I did.

“ Not that is matters no, because love would never happen. Trust me, I know.”
I felt brave speaking up, assuming he would nod and let it go now, but he didn’t.

“ No, you don’t Bam.”
His words, now more frustrated than anything puzzled me, but he continued.

“It’s not because you hate me, or that I hate you. Nor that it is too soon, that I just don’t feel or that I don’t like boys. Or all the other reasons people always try to make of it. Just know Jussi is wrong, and that I don’t and won’t love you or look at you differently. One day you can thank me for it.”

His voice began to sound emotional as he spat out his words as if he loathed them. As if he loathed himself. I felt my heart swelling and growing weaker for him by the second as I realized how such words could never be taken personal by him. The captain was damaged by his childhood and his life. I understood this, and even though  love would never be an issue between us, I wanted him to know that.

“ Dani told me…”

“ Whatever he told you, this is all you need to know. Forget everything else.”
He finally turned to me again, no suddenly walking up to me with a fast pace as I stepped back. Coming to a halt as I bumped against the board of the bed with a gasp.

“Boys are for business, friendship and sex. Not love. Never for love. That is wrong. You understand?” He hissed desperately as his eye become once more unreadable. Looking so many emotions at once and still regrettably so overwhelmingly beautiful.

I nodded in fear, not daring to speak up. At least he was right about one thing. Boys were not for love. Father had told me it many times. Pitiful he was so wrong others.

My heart was in my throat now, and I wanted to cry as I felt panic rushing trough me. I didn’t understand most of what was going on, and I was tired and confused. I just wished he would calm down and be sweet to me again. Or simply leave me alone. That way I was sure I would at least stay unharmed until the lucky day I would get out of this hell.

“Good, now take off your clothes and get into bed. No nonsense about sleeping on a chair anymore. This is the only bed and we are sharing it, so don’t try anything because I am not in the mood.”

It was obvious he wasn’t. I couldn’t stop my body from trembling heavy as he spoke. Undress myself? Here, in front of him? Sleep in his bed? I didn’t want too…I really didn’t want too. Oh please God….

He would look at me and touch me and……I felt like crying as his determent face looked back at me. There was no getting out of this, and I knew he was going to harm me. Break me tonight in his anger. Leaving me damaged for the rest of my life, like he was.

And leaving me a sinner, like he was.

What would the church have me do to have my soul pure and my sins forgiven again after being taken by Satan himself?

I tasted salt in the corner of my mouth, and realized a tear had escaped from my eye before trickling down my face. I couldn’t even stop myself. Crying like a little boy once more. Having him look at me with a look that was mixture of annoyance and….pity maybe?

“What is it now Bammie?”
My pet name was back, I noticed, and I wondered whether that was a good thing or not.

He had sighed the words in annoyance, but he seemed calmer now, with a more gentle voice as he folded his tattooed arms across his chest.

“W-w-will you maybe…..turn around when I undress?”
I pleaded with him as more tears fell from my blue eyes. Undressing here in front of him with him looking at me like he was….I couldn’t do it without breaking down or fainting. I just knew it.

I feared he would get angry again, or that he would force me to do it in front of the whole crew now, but he seemed more light-hearted all of a sudden. As if the words he had spoken to me tonight, together with and my nod in the form of an understanding, had lifted a worry off his lean shoulders.

He simply rolled his green eyes while a small smile played around his rosebud lips. His hair curling around his face gracefully as he readjusted a few strands with his fingers.

Than, he spread his arms wide, as if expecting me to give him a hug, and dramatically turned himself around until his front faced the opposite wall.

A gasp escaped me, knowing he was actually complying to my request. That he would at least not make it harder than it already was for me.

“There you go Bam. No need to cry anymore. Undress and get into bed. You have 30 seconds.”
He sounded almost amused now as I didn’t let me say those words twice.

Wishing I had been giving some sort of undergarment that I was able to let on before getting into bed, I threw off my clothes as fast as I could. First the buttons of my shirt, letting it slide off my shoulders and fall on the floor before reaching down for the buttons of my breeches that fell over my hips and around my ankles before I kicked them off in my haste and panic.

It were all the clothes I had one, and now I was standing stark naked in his room with his face turned away from me. My face burned again as I quickly looked down at my maturing but still young body. Goosebumps had appeared on my skin, even thought it was not even remotely cold in his room.

He cleared his throat at the silence, and I took a sprint for the bed. Quickly diving under the warm and silk, now deep green covers to cover my naked from the world.

Just in time as the moment I did so, he turned himself around to look at me laying in his bed. Only my face now showing as I completely covered everything else with the silk sheets, and with my eyes widened as he looked at me with a small and amused smile as he spotted my clothes next to the bed.

“ Good boy.” Was all he purred, and I trembled as I could see his caring side come out again. I thought it would make me feel better, but the burning desire in his eyes he had had when he had touched himself, or when he had kissed me, had returned.

He than reached for his own buttons of his white shirt, and I quickly squeezed my eyes shut really tight. I didn’t want to see him naked again. Ever.

It was wrong, plus I did not like the way my body responded to it whatsoever. I needed to avoid all temptations, as the church had learned me all these years.

I simply heard him chuckle with a deep voice as he saw my reaction to his actions, and slowly items of clothing and the metal of his belt fell to the floor one by one. His was torturing me, taking his sweet time, I knew.

Finally the mattress sank a bit, and I shifted my body further to the side, trying to ignore how the silk rubbing against my naked skin felt, to make sure I would not touch me as he stepped into the bed to lay next to me. My breathing heavy as my tears were now drying on my cheeks and my whole body tensed.

“It’s ok Bam, you can look again.”
I heard him mutter in a sweet voice as the orange glow behind my eyes turned black. Letting me know he had dimmed all the lights.

I opened my eyes, carefully and not trusting him, only to see only outlines in the now dark room with his sheet covered form next to me. His head turned to me on the pillow and his eyes shining from the moonlight falling in trough the uncovered window.

I quickly pulled back my hand as I felt his arm graze it. Accidentally or not, it made me jump, and I saw the corner of his mouth jerk upwards. His body was warm next to mine even if we didn’t touch and it made me realize I had never shared a bed with anyone else in my life. Not even just for sleeping.

The thought made me uncomfortable, and I looked down to avoid his gaze next to me.

There was silence, and I almost felt relieved when his body remained still.

Maybe this was it. Maybe he just wanted to go to sleep. Maybe he wasn’t going to touch me at all. That was until I heard his low voice speak to me softly in the dark. His eyes still glistering and his fingers suddenly moving to my face to wipe away the last remains of the wetness in the corner of my eye.

“I’m sorry if I scared you just now Bam. You just needed to know. And now we never have to bring it up again so it’s all ok now. I will be nice to you again from now on. Ok?”
It was sweet but stern. We would never have to talk about it anymore, meaning he never wanted me to mention any of this ever again. It was fine by me…I didn’t see the point of it anyway.

“Ok.”

“Good boy. And I’m sorry I pulled your hair Bam Bam. Did it hurt?”
He know started to sounds like he was talking to a little kid, and I feared he was playing a game with me. A game I could only playing along with.

“ N-no…it’s fine.”
I hoped my answer would be enough for him to let it go, but I knew I was wrong as his fingers found my hear and started to massage my skull gently. His green eyes still glowing in the dark as he looked directly at me. I looked back, not knowing what else to do, as his fingers soothed the bruised skin on my head. A small moan escaped me as he so gently worked his fingers over the rest of my skull. Making it feel so nice and relaxed.

I winched inwardly as he eyes sparkled from my reaction.

“You like that, don’t you Bammie?”
He purred at me, now wriggling his body closer to mine as I tried to back away. Only to find that I would tumble out of the bed if I would. Luckily he stopped, only to have him bend his knee to be able to rub his leg against mine a little. If that was all, I would be able to manage. But I feared it wouldn’t be …all.

His hands moved down to my neck, rubbing the skin as I tilted my head back a little. Seeing his eyes glistering in the light and never leaving mine. Enthralling me and making it impossible to look away as his face moved closer to mine slowly.

“Just helping you relax a little Bam. You look so scared. I don’t want you to be scared. I’m sorry.” He smiled at me, as he looked into my frightened but fluttering eyes as his fingers danced over  my aching muscles.

It felt so good I could not resist it, and another moan escaped me. His leg still rubbing against mine and his beautiful face right in front of me now. I could feel his breath tickling my skin, smelling like cigarettes and something sweeter, but I just couldn’t back away as his hands trapped me and the feeling inside me made me weak.

It was than I saw his eyes dropping to my parted lips, before looking back up again. And before I knew what hit me, he kissed me. Again that day, he kissed me.

His fingers tangled in my hair, his bare leg rubbing against my tight and his naked body shifting closer to mine….he kissed me.

Having me gasp into his mouth as his body pressed closer against me to have me feel his need for me against my inner tight….he kissed me.