( Past that point )</div></div>
Chapter 49 – Past that point
I could not believe this was happening. I simply couldn’t grasp it.
Whether it were the unshakable, burning images on my retina, or simply my own unfeasable reaction to them.
It was nothing. It meant nothing.
Yet it had me shaking, sweating cold and clutching stomach as I laid face down on the cold and empty bed. Biting back noises that would humiliate me further and clawing restlessly at the silk underneath my clenched fingers.
How could I…How dare I….?
Why did I betray myself like this?
I curled my legs up higher to my chest as I felt my body stilling. It seemed to grow solid, as the cold reached the end of my toes. I was too numb to shiver, and kept frozen in place, arms wrapped around my knees and lashes against silk. I felt my warm but shallow breath curling around my face as I breathed into the sheets pressed against my face.
I had promised myself….I had enjoyed the moment. I had laughed and smiled and ignored any haunting thoughts about the unknown future. We had danced, and he had made me fly high above any worries that could burn my heart harder than my love and happiness in his arms.
But he had released me, and I had fallen. Hard.
It was hollow, empty. It was temporary and so fragile. I had been more than foolish to think a ‘party’ could solve any of my real pains and worries.
I had not seen before, that we were far beyond a point we were could coexist together in happiness, like once before. We were past that, and now there was nothing but pain in my heart. I was loosing him so fast, with my feelings growing deeper every moment.
Everything he did, every move he made or word he spoke, effected me. When we were together…close, touching, enjoying each others company, my nerves seemed to explode with delight. But when we were not, I seemed to shrink into a miserable pile of nothing.
Like now.
Because I knew what was to come, and it tied my insides into a knot.
At the party, while we danced, halfway that damn song, …he had let me go. He had not let me float in my …’specialty’, as he called it, no. He had given me his share of time to give, before someone else had gotten a share.
Maybe I wasn’t that special after all.
Ok, maybe I was unreasonable, and I was definitely a fool clinging desperately and pathetically onto nothing, but it had stung more than I had ever been prepared for.
The party had become wilder, as all man had started to jump and sing and dance when the music started. Drunken off their asses, and in very high spirits.
He had released me when Bazi jumped on his back in a drunken stumble….that had only made me laugh. He had spun Jyrki as he danced around the playing and singing Linde, and it had made me clap my hands. He had dragged Dani off the table by his legs as the short pirate shouted and laughed, and it made me grin.
But when Jussi had walked towards him, my heart had frozen into a very painful lump of stone and tears. When their arms had wrapped around each other in a warm embrace I had tried to swallow away a heavy lump in my narrow throat. When they had smiled and pressed close together in a dance my hands had clenched tight into fists that wouldn’t be able to do any harm even if I tried. When my Captain had pressed a kiss to the corner of the mouth of the smaller pirate, I had turned my head and backed away from the room.
It was all that had happened. It was all that I had seen. Forgiveness exchanged between comrades. But that kiss, that smile….the way they had exchanged….everything, anything. It reminded me of myself, and they way he handled me.
Maybe I was no more special than Jussi, or any of the others. Maybe I was really just one of his dear ones, until I would go back home.
But the thought of it, when all I could do was love him so deeply it hurt and consumed my insides….my very soul, it seemed so incredibly unfair.
Wasn’t I just that little different? Wasn’t there the tiniest spark in his heart for me? Because mine was burning black for him.
It was unfair, and surreal. Could reality be so different for one person than for the other? Was there no such thing as meant to be, or soul mates? Was there never a true connection to be found deeper than lust and love?
I sighed, I did not know. But I felt betrayed. Betrayed by myself and my own panic in these thoughts.
I was stupid, and naive, and I hadn’t changed as much as I had hoped. And so I let the tears run free as I cursed myself. Not my Captain….me.
I loved him, I couldn’t change that, but something had to. I could try to push it back. I could try to shut it out. Numb down, and kill the burning pain in my heart and throat every time he would do something like this. Every time he wouldn’t tell me what I needed to hear. And he would always be like that…forever.
I couldn’t trust him. I couldn’t rely on him. He had told me this so many times before. He never promised any different.
He cared for me, but his feelings weren’t growing. Weren’t different. I was merely the only cabin boy that ever had the privilege to share his bed, and sometimes his mind. But never his heart.
And that was something I could never hold against him. He had warned me. He had told me this long ago.
And so it wasn‘t the embrace with Jussi that had upset me, no. It was the true realisation that I had placed myself on a higher stage I was deserving of.
Something I should have understood long ago now made me crawl away from the party I was responsible for, and had me curled up and crying in the dark and lonely bedroom we shared.
But wasn’t it any way mine.
I was such a lovesick fool, and I hated myself for it.
He had me eating out of the palm of his hand, and I hated myself for it.
He didn’t love me…
…and I hated myself for it.
**
Part 2
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By LillithValo <3
